Monday, July 26, 2010

My Cluttered Desk, My Cluttered Mind

     No matter what I try, I never seemed to have a nice, neat and organised desk. Be it my desk at the office, or my working desk at home. I think I have probably cleared (or try to clear) both desks for more than a million times, but somehow, every time, the clutters on the desks seem to be able to creep back on them without me knowing how and when and why.

     Some people say a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind. If that is true, then I think I shouldn't be surprised to find a warzone, or a construction site inside my mind if I try to take a peek into it. Hazardous, dangerous warzone or construction site. One must be careful when roaming around it, because one false step might lead to a serious accident, or even worse, fatality.

     Ranked 5th in my birthday resolutions list (I just turn '21' on the 22nd July, by the way - belated birthday gifts are still very much welcomed ;-P ) is "To be more organised". Hmm...I think this 'resolution' keeps on appearing in every 'new resolutions' list that I try to make all throughout my life, keeps creeping back in, like the clutters on my desk, but up until now, unfortunately, sadly, it remains nothing more than a 'clutter' in its own right.

     Sometimes I shout, "I need order in my life!" and spring and bounce with all my might, a black garbage bag in one hand, a broom in the other, and I would go around and around trying to clear every bit of clutter and mess on my desk and in my life till everything looks so perfectly neat and organised. And I would stand back and admire my hard day's work with a smile on my face, quietly vowing in my heart that I would try my very best to keep this heavenly state of organisation and order for eternity - which turns out to be only 3 days - at the very most.


     So now I'm more than ready to accept myself for who I really I am - as far as being neat and organised are concerned - I have a confession: I am a total failure. I just can't get everything organised and in order. I can't seem to find anything whenever I need anything, and whenever I need my desk to be cleared and empty, I always find something to put on it to occupy the precious space. I try to clear my heart and mind of certain feelings (and people ), I try to have more space and time for myself - but events, needs, neccessities, even love - would keep coming back and take up most of the spaces that I have selfishly reserved for me, myself and I. Weekends are 'me ' time, I have decided. Then a precious one would call and ask me for help with something. No more helping people with their assignments, I vow. Then a dear friend would touch my heart with a need so big that I can't help but offer my humble service. I'm going to have to start saving up for my future, I write in my notebook. Then there would be the text message from someone that I deeply care about, that leads me to the bank and clear my lifetime saving within seconds. This is for me, this space is for me, this is 'me' time, I would decide time and time again when time and time again mercy and compassion would get the better of me and I would sacrifice 'me' and let the 'clutter' to creep back on - goodbye to neatness and organisation - for maybe just a little while.

     The way I look at it now, probably those 'clutters' are not clutters at all. The red plastic mug that I try so much to get rid of everytime is actually a gift from a student. I can't throw it away. My pen holder has my name written beautifully on it, it was a gift from a pen friend in prison. The dolphin paperweight is a present from a former teacher. I have more than a dozen pencils inside that red plastic mug, those are pencils I received for free in return for free sketches that I made for people that have asked me to do one for them.

     Perhaps it's true that a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind. But if  the clutters are things that means something to me, I don't think I would mind.

3 comments:

  1. Definitely not clutters if they means so much for you.

    Happy belated birthday! Always '21' ya :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks, chegu. Our profession keeps us young, don't you think? ;-)

    ReplyDelete

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